IKIL4CTU

Oh hello, didn't notice you there.

Time to update this bloody thing. But first.

This is blasphemy!
...This is madness!

-Madness?
...
THIS
IS
SPARTAAAA!!!

Sorry, just had to say it.

I feel like doing a big post this time, but so far I'm stuck with a thought I had this afternoon after coming home from a gig and a visit to the café. The first three sentences really happened, all the rest is just crazy talk. Crazy? THIS IS LES BOS! Oh dear Lord, not again.

I'm playing table tennis with my sister. I'm not sure why. Just killing time waiting for the barbecue to get going, I guess. Suddenly a friend calls me on my cell phone.
'Dude, [Teehee] wants to talk to you. Get your ass over here.'
'What do you mean, [Teehee]? Why she wanna talk to me?'
'Just get over here.'
'But... barbeque... put her on.'
'He wants to talk to you... She wants to see you in person'
'Oh man... Fine, be there in twenty minutes. See ya.'
'See ya.'
My heart is pounding like crazy. Maybe today's the day. Get on my bike, dad asks why the hell I'm leaving, dinner's ready, leave anyway, all can wait now.


I'll probably add some other stuff to this post, so check back later. Well, since I now sort of promised to add stuff I'll probably add nothing at all, but hey, whatcha gonna do about it. Don't make me go Jack Bauer on your ass.

The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.

Update

For those of you who didn't know, this blog is now available in Wordpress. Future posts will be made in WordPress. Why? Because Jack Bauer prefers WordPress, that's why. So I'm kind of signing off with this post. Or am I?

Terra Ventura Revisited

Bonjour.

Me and my family went to Germany for a couple of days. Took some pictures, took some women, you know how it goes. What's more interesting is that we stayed at hotel Terra Ventura again. For those of you who don't remember, that's the hotel where I met the girl who was the inspiration for this post about a year and a half ago. As usual, I got interested in another girl this time around. No wannabe poetry this time, here are two situations that might have happened. But which one did and which one didn't? I don't know, you tell me.

Situation 1:
We had been eyeing each other for quite a few days now. Today was my last evening in the hotel, I had to make my move. It was time to get my groove back. Again. Damn you Whoopi Goldberg. After dinner, I took a napkin and a pen. I wrote 'Meet me in Montauk' on the front side. Just in case she hadn't seen the movie -kids and their silly action movies and crappy comedies these days- and because it wasn't all that clear a message, I wrote 'Montauk = the bar' on the back. I passed her table, said something -could've been 'Here you go, darling' or 'Bleurgh-uargh?', don't remember- and went to the bar for a drink. One hour and two big Erdinger Weissbiers later, I left feeling a little silly but very satisfied. What a divine brand of beer. She never showed up.

Situation 2:
We had been eyeing each other for quite a few days now. During my stay in the hotel, she and a couple of other gals had mistaken me for demigod Hercules. That's okay, they're actually not that far off. Herc is one half, I'm the other. But anyway. I was interested, so I had to talk to her. During one dinner, I went to her table and said to her father something along the lines of 'Excuse me, milord, might I have a word with your stunningly beautiful daughter?' He stood up, rather irritated, gave me a look of deep digust and howled: 'Who are you to take my daughter away? You young kids with your long hair and your music television! Away with you, away!'
'But sir, I--'
'Didn't you hear me, you ugly bastard? Piss off!'
'Oh don't make me angry pal, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!'
My eyes turned white, I lunged myself towards his persona, jumped onto his chest and ripped his heart right out. After standing victorious upon the now dead body, I threw the remains of his heart into a bowl of chicken soup. I regained my sexiness, turned towards the dame and said 'Mademoiselle?' She stared at me, first slightly horror-stricken but then with a face that showed nothing but sheer adoration. She uttered 'Hell yeah!', took me by the hand and we went to a hotel room where I did stuff to her.

Which one of the situations is true? That's for me to know and for you to find out. Oh, and if you're the girl and you're reading this: contact me, I lost your number.

Yeah right.
But seriously, contact me.
And the rest of you: bugger off.

NOTEBOOK: Cooking Humans Since '99

This next entry was written in my notebook a couple of days ago, hence the very subtle NOTEBOOK in today's title. I have to admit I was drunk when I wrote it. Well, actually not that drunk. Maybe slightly. Wait a minute, it wasn't even slightly. In fact, I was very not drunk! Oh boy, better get on with it.

I won't make any adjustments to the text, even though I feel different about some stuff now.

Cooking Humans Since '99

You know what really grinds my gears?
Porn. It doesn't make any sense. It's like they're not even trying anymore. A guy rings the door bell, some hot chick opens the door and the guy goes like 'I'm the pizza delivery guy. This pizza has a hole in it, I've put my cock through that hole.' And the chick goes like 'Okay, you can fuck me.' Man, if that'd really work in real life, I'd deliver a whole lotta pizzas each day and be damn grateful for having such a sublime job.

You know what really grinds my gears?
People I don't know telling me I don't talk very much. And even worse: drunk people I don't know and certainly don't want to get to know because they're telling me I don't talk much. Fuck 'em all. 'So why don't you talk?' I don't know, why didn't your father throw you off a cliff after you were born? Why did your mom and dad have to meet and do nasty stuff? It ain't my problem so I shut the fuck up about it, join the crew. If I don't talk to you, it's either because I'm not comfortable around you or because I plain don't like you. Ah well, fuck it. I'm too lazy to respond to the whole you don't talk thing, so yesterday night I was glad some of my friends did that for me. That bloody drunk idiot was really pissing me off, but fortunately the guys owned his dumb ass with their superior linguistic abilities. Bring me Solo and the Wookie.



You know what really grinds my gears?
My fucking mood changes. I go to some gigs in the late afternoon rather happy and excited and I comeback home at night all depressed, without something important taking place in between that could've caused the change of mood. Maybe it was all the crappy punk music. Maybe I didn't have enough beer. Maybe I had too much. Maybe it was the Tenacious D overload. It was I who fucked the dragon and so forth. Maybe it was those two girls that I couldn't stop thinking about but didn't have the balls to talk to, again. Maybe it was because I really need to take a big dump. So many reasons, and yet so little decent ones. It was a fun night, shame my mental madness fucked it up. I blame the girls for that. Maybe I should offer them a pizza. Oh dear, that was just nasty. Forget I said that. By the way: oh hi, I upgraded your ram.



You know what really grinds my gears?
The computers in our house were moved to different rooms again. That's why I can't type this out, have to write all this nonsense down first and put it into the computer later. Damn, life's hard. In fact, the more I'm writing now, the more I'll have to wirte again at the computer. So I'm gonna stop now. Or am I? Damn you Van Goylen. Shut up. No you shut up. I'm not talking. Then who is? Well, not me, that's for sure. Oh boy, this post's rubbish.

How about a taco that craps ice cream? Guys?
- I like it.

[End of rubbish]

Man, I sure felt silly writing that last paragraph. Anyway, the taco from South Park has got to be one of the most hilarious cartoon characters ever, check out the episode in which the guys get abducted by aliens again to see him. Right now I feel like starting a Tenacious D tribute band. And I know that I'm going to be sorry for writing that in a couple of hours. Forget I said anything. Go kick a poo or fuck a dragon or ride a flying goose or something. Have at you!